I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
