seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Randomize
