party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
