if i can run in heels then i can drive
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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