I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
