My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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