I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
