I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
