Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
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