and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
