dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he was CRYING into my vagina
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
