I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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