Midget sex pt 2 tonight
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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