If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
