Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
