I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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