If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
