I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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