I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
