i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I FOUND THE LEGS
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
