I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you had me at cake vodka
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
