just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
