theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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