fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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