My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
