If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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