I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
