just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
God, I missed his penis.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
