my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
