So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
my nose is crying tears of wow.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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