I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
