ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize