I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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