I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
