You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
