Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
