After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
