We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
