I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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