Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize