Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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