The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
