I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
