i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
