He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
