guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
