You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
