Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
high people should be assigned attendants
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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