he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The air was thick with penises
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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