So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
