i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
being pregnant is like rehab
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize