unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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