I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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