i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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