my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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