Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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