My friends, they love my intelligence
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
