Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
