Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
