I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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