she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
