i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
