Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
